Mercury rising.

I am surely not talking about quantum physics! In fact I can not talk about physics at all. This is because all I know about physics is how it is spelt. The same applies to many many topics! But let me not deviate- so, though I know nothing about physics I am told that one can see physics all around us… well, perhaps I’ve started to realize this off late! So one of my brave attempts goes like this-

It is popular belief that ‘I’ listen less and ‘talk’ more. No offense to anyone. But when so many of your dearest ones say the same line I might as well accept it otherwise what they keep saying will actually become the truth! So adhering to this popular belief I decided to think differently and start listening to what the folks around me said. A genuine attempt.

As a result of listening to my folks with as much attention as they wanted me to pay- I experienced this strange phenomenon of Mercury Rising! The steps are as under-

• The conversation starts (or rather the one way talk starts). I am calm and attentive!
• The talk starts titillating sensitive topics and deciphering my non-existent stance on them. I am quite but not calm!
• As I keep quite the other person is encouraged and the pin pointing increases – there erupts an urgent desire to interrupt but no! One must listen first! Ok… so I compose myself with great restraint and manage to overcome my desire to speak!
• Finally when all the expressions of the speaker find a desired end, they stop the conversation! I am saved!

Result- I’ve taken more than what was necessary.

So folks I know that listening is very very important but the truth also remains that every person can not always talk sense! Period! So don’t make it your regular line to tell people – ‘listen to me first’! Believe in conversations! Share and then make the other person understand. Otherwise the rising mercury cannot be always be succumbed.

Missing someone...

"Amputees suffer pains, cramps, itches, in the leg that is no longer there. That is how she felt without him, feeling his presence where he no longer was... on the first instance she succeeded in removing him from her thoughts by a simple act of will. But the rage always returned, and she realized very soon that the desire to forget him was the strongest inducement for remembering him"- 'LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA' by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Vulnerability is not a nice feeling... but it definitely makes you feel alive. That there is still something which burns inside, there is still life that yearns for more and there is still something that is precious! Life is beautiful with its ups and down!

Strangers-lovers-strangers and so on..

You've heard it somewhere? Ofcourse you have my dears! its the description of the new movie - Anjana Anjani...no I am not writing a preview of the film. U'll will know as u read on...

The moment I heard the line I thought isn't it what we go through in every relation that we establish- be it new, old, strong, weak,bold or subdued! Now guys pls take a broader view of the word 'lovers' in the title. Think about the people you like and the ups and downs you had with them.

Everytime you think that you have finally known the Stranger that you so wanted to know, there is suddenly some revelation or confusion that takes you back to square one. In some relation these ups and downs happen at a slower pace and in some at a regular or faster pace but...it does happen.

Well... whatever be the final stand of the relationship(That is - if one has to take a stand in a relation) it stays true that only these ups and downs helps a relation going. The moment there are only 'downs' or for that matter 'ups' (i am serious about relations with 'only ups' in them too)the relation loses its charm.

So everyone- 'Keep Falling in Love- from Stangers to Lovers to Strangers and so on... with the same person or a different person!'

Anger!

Anger, if not channelized in the right direction, kills the human inside you. Someone has rightly said ‘Anger blinds you’. It blind folds you from the bigger picture. And when this blind fold falls off the only thing you are left with is disgust towards yourself, a feeling of having acted cheaply, inhumanly! Anger makes you a bigger sinner than the person who angered you in the first place. I feel the same for what I did… probably will never have the courage to tell anyone how degraded I was in my thoughts at that moment of anger.

I can’t even spare myself by thinking that I shouldn’t be harsh on myself…I can’t. All the efforts to have a clear conscience fade away with one act of un-channelized anger. It will take more effort to heal my torn self and repair the destruction done by my action.

Musings...

Confused,

Restless and Eager... Isn't this me?

Calm,

Focused and Determined... Isn't this too me?

Funny! How every ten hours my thinking varies.

Where do I steady myself? OR do I really need to...

People usually find themselves caught in the desire to make 'their feelings' easier for themselves. I too am one of them. And when I can't do it myself I look at my loved ones to do it for me.

But when the hand extended is not taken and given a pat or a warm crush then one thinks again, back to oneself... trying to find what one really feels. Is it mutual or varies in degrees...is it just that there are different ways of manifesting the feelings or does it read into more.

And guess what? To top this situation ridiculous situation of mine I am reading 'Hamlet'...'Love In The time of Cholera' and also 'Doll's House'...all simultaneously!!!

Summing up...

'Summing up' would give an impression of being quite simple and easy in nature. But I think otherwise...not a rare opinion though! It is most difficult to sum up a wholeness without losing its flavor or essence. So let me make an effort here to sum up the beautiful 2 years that I was practically out of the blog world.

Marriage!!! Ah- to say in a single line - I got married happily on November 12, 2008 to Ram and since then have been happily married to the best man for me on earth. No exaggeration as everyone can see the results of marriage in me. The first year was a mad rush of settling into the new home, new family and of course a husband! The second year brought forth the thinking and the effort to bring our love for theatre to the forefront through Nishumbita. And I would proudly say that its been satisfying-

• Girish Karnad's "Nagamandala' on 10th Jan,2010
• K. Madhavane's "Mahabharata of Women" on 27th March,2010
• Chidrens play on "Sri Aurobindo" on 10th April, 2010
• Children's play "Desi Tales" on 25th April, 2010 and 11th June, 2010
• Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" on 23rd July, 2010 at HTF

Not bad right?

So its been busy and rewarding for me as far as theatre and marriage was concerned. But it would be wrong on my side if I don't confess my state of confusion and dislodgement in this whole affair. I would say my mind was upto too many things and quite harsh on my own self. Probably the pressure that I had created for myself had made me unclear in mind. A state where my mind would refuse to think for itself and do things that would be out of habit or is of the natural order. But as said "Change is the only constant feature in life"...clouds of doubt- self-doubt- confusion and vagueness are beginning to clear and the self that has now come forth has a better vision to be wise, happy, active and calm!

Changes of the same processes were noticed before but for me this has been a difficult stage of confusion to cross. And Ram stood by me even when I was not myself completely or losing the strength inside me.

Yes I am Back! Very Much Back! And the motivation to express my thinking once again through writing was brought by my latest play - "Saari Raat...". Possibly my next post will be about the thought process triggered by the play.

Getting BACK!!!- and seriously...

Two long years of not writing... sounds weird now. How these two years passed...is what I am wondering. But I guess I know the answer (It is definitely not a disappointing one) and hope I can spell it out here! But the credit goes to my play- the one I performed recently - 'Saari Raat...' And I can't help mentioning Sunil, who directed the play. Special mention of his because of the kind of rapport we shared intellectually.

So guys I am back!!! Keep an eye on my blog.